"Jitney Cab" by JD Clapp
- Roi Fainéant
- Mar 30
- 12 min read
Ed grabbed his keys and walked into his kitchen. His wife sat at the small table, catalogues spread before her, smoking a Winston Light. Between taking drags and turning the pages of her Country Living holiday catalogue, she sipped a tumbler of Diet Coke spiked with Captain Morgan. She didn’t look up when Ed walked in. Ed glanced her way, shook his head, and opened the cupboard and pulled out his plastic Stuckey’s travel mug.
“Going to work tonight,” Ed said, as he filled the mug with coffee.
His wife nodded and said nothing.
“I got to take that woman to the bar again and then I’m running Mr. Horowitz and his wife to Port Columbus. Will be late,” Ed said.
“That woman, eh?” his wife said.
She looked up and shot him a glare.
“We need the money,” Ed said.
“Well, if your dumbass didn’t get fired from Uber and the vending machine company for getting a DUI, we wouldn’t need the money now would we, Ed?” she said.
Seeing no point in answering her, Ed pulled his winter coat from the hook by the kitchen door, pulled it on, and opened the door, a cold blast of air hitting him in the face and instantly chilling the kitchen.
“Close the goddamn door, Ed…and stay out of that bar with that slut,” his wife chirped.
Ed said nothing, closed the door behind him and walked across the small path leading to his garage. Nagging bitch. And she wonders why I fucking drink.
Ed climbed into his 2017 Honda Accord and set his coffee in the holder. Goddamn, I need a drink. He put the key in the ignition and gave it a half-turn, illuminating the dashboard and the small device mounted next to the radio. He took the plastic tube from its holder on the device and blew into the interlock. The small machine made a series of shrill beeps as he exhaled. After a few seconds, three red 000s lit up the digital display and a green light flashed. This damn thing is killing me. Yes, I’m stone sober, you little fucker.
Ed turned the key the other half-turn, stomped on the gas pedal and the engine caught to life. He pressed the button on the remote on the sun visor, watching the garage door open in the rear view mirror. He thought about Lynette.
##
Lynette peaked out through the blinds of her bedroom window. Ed was already there, his Honda sitting in the shadows, lights off. Shit. Shit. Always running late...and that idiot is always early. She tipped the pint of Smirnoff up and took the last sip. Damn it, last dead soldier. She tossed the bottle under her bed. Deal with that later. She looked in the mirror. You still got it, girl.
##
Ed clicked on the wipers, slapping slush to the edges of the windshield. He looked at the remnants of her mailbox laying in a mound of soot-covered icy snow left from the plow. And they took my license away…
He texted her: Here. No Hurry.
He looked up at the window of the master bedroom again, hoping he might catch a glimpse of her half-dressed—it’d been a couple weeks since she last walked past in the black lace bra and panties, lingering just long enough to give him both front and back views. Ed wondered if she did it intentionally. Tonight, in the gathering dusk, he only caught a glimpse of her face peer out at him.
Back inside, Lynette picked up her phone and texted her husband, Tom: Book club tonight. Home later. She knew Ed wasn’t leaving without her. I think that guy really wants me. Good lord, how pathetic can a man be. She scrounged through her purses, pulling out loose bills. Seventeen dollars…damn it. Not enough for drinks and to pay old Uber Ed. She jammed the money into her jeans pocket, reached under her thin, tight V-neck t-shirt, unfastened her bra, and pulled it through one of the sleeves. Her silicon D-cups bounced. She sighed. Fuck. The things I need to do to get a drink and a free ride.
She made her way through her McMansion to the kitchen door without saying anything, walking past her kids and their nanny eating Wendy’s take out at the kitchen table. She grabbed a thin coat and slung it over her shoulder.
“Going to eat, Mrs. Kane?” the nanny asked. This lush won’t waste her calories on food.
“I’ll grab a bite at my book club. I’ll be home before Mr. Kane, probably around 8:30.”
Lynette thought, I can’t deal with him giving me shit about my drinking again.
The nanny nodded.
“Have a great time,” the nanny said. At the bar…
Lynette headed out the side door into the cold. Slush pelted her. Fucking Ohio…why did that goddamn husband of mine have to take a job here? What the hell was wrong with regional sales manager in St. Pete? Her coat held over her head like an umbrella, she walked unsteadily out to the car, doing her best not to eat shit on the slush-soaked driveway. Her flesh instantly goose-bumped; her nipples popped erect like little pencil erasers, straining through the thin cotton of her tight black t-shirt.
She jumped into the passenger seat of Uber Ed’s car, turned to him, pressed her breasts into his shoulder, gave a lingering hug and a wet kiss on his cheek.
“You’re an angel for waiting on a night like tonight,” Lynette said.
“Oh, no trouble Ms. Kane…I mean Lynette. I like getting out of the house…and truth be told… my damn wife is driving me nuts,” Ed replied.
I know the feeling.
Ed felt his 49-year-old, seldom used, Johnson stir firm in his pants; since his wife had cut him off, the closest he’d come to pussy was jerking off into a lubed sock thinking about Lynette.
“Ok. Let’s go. I’m in a hurry, Ed,” she said.
No need to ask for a destination. Ed put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway. His tires spun as he pushed the gear shift into drive and headed for the Red Fox Tavern on Miller’s Post Road.
Lynette’s leg bounced as they drove. She could feel her buzz waning. She drummed her fingers on the seat.
“Can you speed up a little, Ed?”
Ed accelerated an additional two miles an hour, still traveling just below the speed limit.
“Pretty slick out here tonight. Gotta be careful. After my last accident and getting fired by Uber, my insurance doubled. I’m toast if I crash or get another ticket.”
Lynette sighed. This idiot is killing me.
“You mean your DUI?” Lynette said.
“Um, yes…I don’t recommend it,” Ed said.
“Well, since I wrecked the mini-van, I don’t think I need to worry about that,” she said.
They drove in silence for a while, passing the large houses, populating increasingly sparse lots, Christmas lights twinkling. On a rural stretch of the road, Ed slowed when the headlights caught six sets of green eyes standing in the brush at the roadside. Lynette was about to complain about the reduced speed, but Ed beat her to it: “Deer.”
##
Ed pulled into the bar parking lot and stopped at the front door. Lynette had one foot out the door before Ed had completely stopped.
“What time do you want me to pick you up?”
Lynette pulled her foot back in.
“Is today Tuesday?” she asked.
“Wednesday.”
Fuck, Tammy is tending bar tonight…no freebies.
“I won’t be long. Maybe twenty, thirty minutes. Can you just wait?”
Ed considered his options. Before Uber fired him, he’d cruise around hoping to catch another passenger or two while Lynette drank, but tonight he didn’t have a second trip—the Horowitz airport trip was some bullshit he invented to keep his wife off his ass. I’d rather drive around until she goes to bed so I can have a few drinks.
“Sure, Mrs. Kane…I mean…Lynette.”
“Good boy,” she said, giving his upper thigh a squeeze before jumping out.
##
Ed sat in the car with the motor running, heat on low, listening to sports talk radio. Goddamned Buckeyes blew it again. Just as Ed got ready to turn the station, sick of hearing about yet another loss to that team up north, Lynette walked out the Red Fox’s front door, shuffling toward the car. She didn’t have her coat. Damn, she looks pissed off.
“So soon?” Ed asked, as she fell into the seat and slammed the door.
“That bitch Tammy wouldn’t give me credit…It’s not like I don’t pay. I pay every damn time!”
Ed buckled his seatbelt and pulled the shifter into drive. Lynette turned to him and put her hand on his knee. She began softly rubbing his leg.
“Ed, why don’t you come in and buy me a drink? You always want to hear my stories about the bar.”
“Um…I um…I can’t be drinking and driving,” he said.
“Just one won’t kill you…Come on, buy me a shot or two. It’ll be fun!” She slid her hand toward his package. Ed squirmed. He was almost hard.
“I…shouldn’t…,” Ed said.
“Tell you what, you come in and have one drink with me, and I’ll take care of that little problem you have growing in your pants,” Lynette said.
Ed turned red. His mind reeled.
“Well…It’s been a while…and I could use a drink. My wife isn’t expecting me…I don’t need to be back home until around 11:00…”
Good god, I’m hitting bottom here…I’m not fucking him for a drink.
“To be clear, I’m a married woman, so it will just be a hand job,” Lynette added.
Ed considered this.
“And I get to see your tits, too?”
For fuck’s sake…
“Three drinks for that…and tonight’s ride is free…And no touching them,” she said.
Play it cool…use the free ride.
“Three drinks for you and two free rides but I get to feel them…While you do it,” Ed said.
Jesus! This is a new fucking low…but…he’s not bad looking for an older guy.
“Ok, Ed. We have a deal,” Lynette said, reaching for the door handle.
Ed turned the car off and it hit him.
“Shit. Wait…I can’t drink. I got to blow into this goddamn thing to start the car. Even one drink will kill the engine and jam me up with the judge,” Ed said.
Jesus, this guy is killing me.
“Well, you can have a Coke then,” she said.
“That would be like you jerking me off and stopping just before I came. Worse even,” Ed said.
Lynette frowned, thought for a second before the solution came to her.
“Sally is in there tonight. She just hangs out, but she doesn’t drink. I can ask if she’ll blow into your thingy,” Lynette said.
Ed looked at her cleavage for a second and smiled.
“Go ask her. If she says yes, we got a deal.”
##
Lynette polished off the first three shots before Ed finished his first beer. He glanced down at his watch—6:23 p.m. He watched Lynette’s ass as she walked toward the restroom. Fuck it. He called the bartender over and ordered another round for him and Lynette. The bartender looked at Ed and shook her head.
“Listen, I haven’t seen you in here before so maybe you don’t know…but she’s trouble. I end up cutting her off most nights. You keep her under control, and you all are welcome to stay and drink…otherwise I’ll have to 86 you both,” The barmaid said.
“No problem,” Ed said.
Lynette squealed like a child opening a new bike on Christmas morning when she saw the fresh shot sitting on the bar. She reached up, grabbed Ed’s shoulders and planted a wet kiss on his cheek. Ma.
“Ed! I knew there was a fun version of you in there,” she said.
“You have no idea,” he replied.
He signaled the bartender over and ordered himself a shot of whiskey.
“That’s the Eddy I’ve been waiting for! Not that boring Eddy who is afraid to drive the speed limit!” Lynette said.
Ed smiled at her. I haven’t had this much fun in…Jesus…I can’t even remember.
“I want to dance; can I have some money for the jukebox? Come on Eddy! Don’t you want to dance with me?” she asked.
Ed reached over and took a five-dollar bill from the pile of his change the bartender had left on the bar. Lynette leaned in, took the cash in one hand and squeezed his package with the other. Ed blushed and grinned, flashing his nicotine stained teeth.
Ed’s eyes burned holes in Lynette’s jeans as she stared intently into the jukebox at the selections. God, what an ass. She pressed a button or two and Born to Run began blaring through the speakers. Her hips swayed to the music as she made more selections. Ed slugged his drink. After a few minutes, Lynette returned and pulled Ed onto the tiny dance floor next to the jukebox.
##
After a couple dances, Ed replenished their drinks and gave Lynette another fiver for the Juke.
“Play a slow one, Lynette,” he said.
Lynette smiled and rolled her eyes playfully, walked over, and made her selections. They listened and drank and complained about their spouses.
When Into the Mystic came on, Ed pulled Lynette onto the dance floor. He fondled her ass as they swayed. She could feel his hardness pushing into her jeans. Oh, he’s big. She kissed him. When the song finished, they headed back to the bar. Ed ordered another round and looked down at his Casio watch: 9:45 p.m.
“It’s getting late; I better settle up. Let’s head out to the car. I know a nice place nearby we can park and…well, we can have some fun and sober up,” Ed said.
“What time is it, anyway?” she asked.
When Ed told her, Lynette’s mind sprang into damage control mode.
“Shit, my husband will be home and wondering where I am,” she said.
She reached into her purse, grabbed her phone and texted her husband: Late start to book club, running late. Home in a bit. She clicked off the phone before he could respond. Ed paid the bartender for the final round, and left her a fat tip. As they reached the door, Ed remembered the interlock device.
“Hey, go grab that lady to blow into the device so we can start the car,” Ed said.
Lynette looked at him blankly.
“Remember, I can’t start the car without being sober. I have to blow into that device.You said some woman in here could do it.”
Lynette turned and scanned the bar. Her expression fell.
“I don’t see her,” Lynette said.
“What? Go see if she’s in the bathroom,” Ed said.
Ed walked a few steps back in the bar as Lynette staggered toward the bathroom. She returned looking concerned. Instead of coming over to Ed, Lynette headed to the bar and motioned the bartender over. Ed watched the two women exchange some words. The bartender shook her head, a look of amusement mixed with annoyance spread over her face. Lynette returned. Ed couldn’t read her expression.
“Well, Ed…I got good news and bad news. She’s gone for the night. That’s the bad news. The good news is the bartender will do it for twenty bucks...” Lynette said.
Ed reached for his wallet.
“Ok. Let’s go, then,” Ed said.
“Well…that’s the rest of the bad news…she won’t do it until they close. I hope he’s sleeping when we get home…If not, I don’t know what I’m going to tell him….”
Ed sighed. I thought she was a pro…
“The same thing I’m telling my wife. We slid into a ditch on the ice and had to wait for a tow. It took forever. Roads are bad out there tonight,” Ed said.
She looked at Ed and grinned. She hugged him.
“My god Ed, that’s brilliant. That’ll work. Well, we might as well have another round or two while we wait,” Lynette said.
Ed grabbed her hand.
“We have some business in the car first…and the tab is a little higher now,” Ed said.
Lynette smiled and shrugged.
“Well Ed, maybe we can make this a regular arrangement,” she slurred.
Ed shrugged.
“Maybe we can, Lynette. Maybe we can.”
##
Ed strapped Lynette into the passenger seat and rested her head against the window.
He watched the bartender get into her car shaking her head. Ed cranked the heat and let the engine warm. I’ll take the farm roads all the way to Mill Road. Should be good to go…no cops on a Tuesday night. Hope she can walk when we get there…Jesus, what a mess. Glad I stopped drinking earlier. He looked at the dash clock, 2:11 a.m. He clicked on his phone. Nothing from his wife. Dumb bitch. Ed pulled her phone from her purse. No message from her husband either. This was too easy.
Ed put the car in drive, clicked on the radio and pulled onto the road. Lynette moaned as they pulled away.
The sheriff stood and watched the wrecker driver struggle at the controls. The Honda was hung up on a fallen branch in the river. He shook his head. His partner walked over, brushing snow from her pant legs.
“Looks like they were in there for a while. They’re both popsicles. Should I call the divers in?” she asked.
“Nah. Let’s see if this guy can get them out of the river. I’m in no hurry to figure out who we need to inform two days before Christmas,” he said.
“Car is registered to an Ed Harris. He has a recent DUI,” she said.
“Let’s see if that’s his wife or some other woman before we do anything,” he said.
She sighed.
“Merry fucking Christmas,” she said.
“ ‘Tis the season,” he said, “let’s wait in the cruiser until we can get her ID. It’s cold out here.”
Commenti